Falling Behind In My Career - Work Life Balance For Software Engineers

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Hey folks, we're going to Reddit. This is from experienced devs. How do you set boundaries with work without hurting your career? And they say, I started my career working crazy hours, not because my job required it, but because I love coding so much that I lost track of time. But I didn't see the cost until later. My work consumed me and my family felt it. Over time, I had to set boundaries, prioritize life outside of work, and realize that working non-stop isn't the only path to success. Now, I wonder, how do you maintain work life balance without feeling like you're falling behind in your career? Have you ever had to push back on expectations to protect your time outside of work? So, let me get going here. Um, I think this is a really good topic. This is something that represents my entire life and so I'm happy to try and speak about it.

Um, if you're new to my channel, I share my experiences in software engineering career, that kind of thing. I don't mean to ever sound like what I'm saying is the way, the only way, the one right way. It's just my take on stuff. And I do try as much as possible to like challenge my perspective and acknowledge my bias so that we can uh I want to say a conversation. It's not really a conversation. if it's me if it's me talking at you, but that we can sort of explore together different angles on things. So, a friendly reminder before I jump into this topic that if you want questions answered, please leave them below in the comments. If you want something to be kept anonymous, send a message to Dev Leader on social media. It's also my main YouTube channel. And a final note that if this is a helpful video for you, I'll remind you at the end if I can remember myself.

uh please consider sharing it back to experienced devs on uh on this post on this subreddit would help me a lot. Uh everything I'm doing is basically for free, right? So if if it's helpful and you want to help share it, it helps the channel grow. So I appreciate it. Okay, so work life balance is um a very important thing. Um, for context for those of you that don't know my backstory and why a post like this really resonates with me is because I had the exact same kind of situation going on where no one forced me to work long hours at a startup before Microsoft. I just did it because I loved it. And I mean that genuinely because I I realize anyone can just sit here and say that, but like uh I've talked about this in other videos and stuff, right? It was a digital forensics company.

super impactful mission. Um so like you know when you're when you're realizing that you're building software that can help with saving lives of children um it's a really difficult uh you know challenge to try and beat that mission. Um so pretty incredible but also I had a lot of autonomy uh was trusted a lot to be able to to to lead things right. So, um overall for me just like um you know great great spot to be able to like put a lot of energy into things and plus I love to build stuff right so um when you're trusted a lot to be able to do that and like the way that I kind of have explained this is like my leaders had a lot of trust in me and it was like they can set the direction and then like move out of my way to be able to let me do what I need to do.

Um, and you know, that kind of environment for me was something that was like, I'm just going to keep working. Uh, so I would say a great recipe to get uh to get work out of me. Um but this uh when I talk about burnout and stuff um especially more recently burnout for me looks more like stereotypical where it's like you know basically it's like depression whereas burnout for me before going through like that startup kind of cycle uh is very much like what this person was saying. It's not like oh I'm dreading going to work and I have no energy. No, like you're waking up early and you're like going to work and it's awesome, but what you're not realizing is that you are trading the other parts of your life. If you're like me, I'm not saying everyone's like this. Sounds like this person's in a similar boat where um there was no moderation, right?

It's like um going into this kind of thing and you're like, you know, work is everything and you make it everything and you're enjoying it so it doesn't seem like it's a bad thing, right? Like why would if you think about it, it's like when people talk about, you know, too much time at work and stuff, generally the framing is like, you know, you're you're working for the system and like everything sucks. you're you're going to lose track of, you know, your your life and it's just just for money and all these bad things. But when you're like going through it and you're like, "Hey, I love what I'm doing." It almost like feels like you're well, I'm the exception, right? Like if I love what I'm doing, then nothing bad's going to happen if I spend all my time doing this. It's my career. It's work, right?

This is all good stuff. But again, it's a moderation thing. And uh I think it's just easy to to miss. Uh I say that because it was very easy for me to miss. I even had my HR leader telling me this for years. You're going to burn out. You're going to burn out. And I remember saying to her like, I hear what you're saying, but like it's different. Like I I love what I'm doing. Like I'm energized to do this. Um it's just that burnout was different. It was I have traded the other parts of my life. Uh now when it comes like for for this person they're talking about their family felt it I would say like like I was uh for family for me at the time was like my my parents my sister had moved away across the country so like we're

already kind of remote from each other so it's not like there's a falling out or anything but you know we're we're in touch and we that didn't really change during that time. Uh like these days my I Skype with my parents and my sister and my niece and nephew every weekend. Um and we've been doing that for years. Uh but like during that time it was just like you know that part of my family fine. My parents like I'm sure to this day my mother would always say that uh she doesn't see me enough of course. Um we live across the country now too. So that's challenging right? Uh, I'm sure during that time it it probably went from like in school I would visit back home pretty I don't want to say like regularly regularly but you know not like I would avoid going home is a couple hours away for me.

Um, but certainly during work it was like for me to go drive back home and stuff was just you know like that's just extra driving I could be working. So everything for me was work. I would say the big thing is that my friends um like even some of my closest friends right just like um just not making myself available to like to be present in friendships. Um and some like I could I could tell you my my very best friends like my best man for my wedding. Um the individual like one of my best friends that I was his best man. I could tell you if I were to call them right now, literally right now, and say, "Do um you know, do I make myself present enough in our friendships?" I would say, "No, right?" One of them in particular, he's also like pretty absent.

Uh which is like it just works for us, right? We're fine. Um but I put so much time and effort into work related things that that I I miss out on those aspects. So, all of this, you know, I'll kind of wrap up my side of it, but all of this to say like balancing this stuff is not easy when you're when you're not paying attention to it, right? It's it's not easy. Now, it's also not easy when you're in a position where you're like, I need to be focused on my career. I want to try and get ahead. I want to start making more of a difference in my career. And like, you know, I have a wife. We don't have children, but like if we did, that's another thing where it's like that's more time and responsibility that I I cannot pull away from.

If I needed to have a period of time that was busier at work, I could have a conversation with my wife, right? And in fact, like the project that I'm working on right now for work, coupled with this other sort of um been referring to it like a surprise project over the past uh few weeks, um this is something where I can have a conversation with my wife and explain to her, hey, like I'm going to be less available like mentally, emotionally, uh literally physically from a time perspective, but I can have that conversation with her, come to an understanding, we're on the same page. With children, it's not quite so straightforward. They don't understand. They just don't see you present. Right? So, if we had children, this would be significantly more difficult for me to try and navigate. So, I'm trying to, you know, call that out as some like a bias I have and try to acknowledge a different perspective here.

So, um, to this person's question about like how do you go about balancing these things? I I like going back to and I've mentioned him a few times. Some people uh enjoy his content, some people hate it because he's an influencer and it's just like influencer garbage uh that's not relatable. But I think there was something regardless of whether you like Alex Hermosi or hate him, there was a um I don't have the exact quote, but there was a conversation he was having and it really resonated with me. So, I like sharing it because it's a good reminder. Um he talks about having seasonal busyness and the idea there is like in order to be able to like if we're always looking for steady state I think that that I don't want to call that a mistake but I think that's kind of misleading because

if if you're always looking for things to be perfectly steady that means as soon as you get a little bit busier or there's a little bit more then all of a sudden it's like oh that's not good that's not good We have to avoid it, right? Because it's not steady state. I got to get around this bus cuz I am not driving the whole way to work behind a bus going slower than the speed limit in the fast lane. Um but he talks about this concept where it's like especially when you're with your partner and having these conversations um like seasonal busyiness. So being able to say like hey I'm about to be going through something that's going to be more demanding on my time emotionally, mentally and it's not permanent. It's not the rest of my life. Um, I've talked about this from the perspective of people trying to uh, you know, uh, practice for interviewing or skilling up, right?

You might go through, it's not the rest of your life that you need to be, um, doing lead code and practicing behavioral interview questions, but there's probably a period where you should be doing a lot more of that. And it is going to be an extra demand on your time and your energy for sure, but you're not going to be doing, you know, 5 hours a week of lead code and behavioral interview questions for the rest of your life. That's going to be something you're doing to try and get that skill up because you need to leverage it for interviewing. And then once you get through your interviews and you've secured your next role, then it's one of those things like you probably don't have to be practicing it every week. I wouldn't say totally forget about that stuff entirely because if you ever need to switch jobs or anything, then it would be good to not be starting from zero, but realistically, you don't need that much of a time investment in comparison.

So that would be seasonal busyiness. Um, I talked about the example with the projects that I'm working on currently for work. That's seasonal busyness. Um, when I do course creation for dome train, I I have conversations with my wife about that. That's seasonal busyiness, right? When there's a big course coming up that I have to to get done and I'm need to plan my time. I might say, hey, like this weekend or whatever these days, this upcoming week, I'm not going to be able to, you know, I'm going to be locking myself in the room basically to record seasonal busyiness. Um, for brand ghost, this uh social media platform for content sharing that I'm building um like we're trying to do like different launches at different times. So like seasonal busyiness, the problem ends up being when you have all these seasonal busyiness periods that are for different things overlapping or staggered with each other and you're constantly busy.

Um, but at least I think from a burnout perspective, one of the nice things is like having things to do that are important in different areas to me leads is less of a sign of burnout uh or less of a um what's the word? Not a sign cause of burnout because those are different different things that keep my interest. So for this person who's concerned about um career advancement, my my thought here would be like, hey, like if you're constantly like I'm I'm behind, I'm behind, I need to do something. And you're all of your time is spent in this sort of uh routine of like I have terrible work life balance cuz I am behind. then I would say okay like we probably have to revisit how you're approaching um career progression and like career management in general right um because there should be

a steady state where you're like okay things are I'm doing good at this spot now I want to break through a plateau and kind of push to the next level what do I need to focus on and then investing the time more heavily into that um if you can sustain like if you find a good spot where you're like things are balanced in terms of time, right? Um, effort and you see the trajectory you're on and that feels good to you, then by all means like do what you're doing. But I think for many people there's like this this point where you're like, "Okay, I've been at this level for a little bit or I've been at this compensation for a little bit. Like, I'd like to kind of get through to the next level." And that might require seasonal busyiness. Um, so that's I want to I kind of wanted to acknowledge that it's not about avoiding getting busy.

I think it's about acknowledging that there are periods of time where things may be more demanding and then exploring what that looks like. How do you navigate that? Um, it's not quite the same, but it's similar. When I talk currently about being very burnt out from work, um, I have to remind myself this is not a permanent thing. It's because of the projects I'm on. There is a deadline for them. There's an end in sight. Like, yeah, sucks right now. Yes, I have low energy, but like there's an end in sight. And now I'm in the fast lane with someone going 10 miles an hour under the speed limit. Excellent. This is so dumb. Um, if you are in a position where you feel like if we kind of turn things around where it's not self-driven, okay, and you're in a spot where the seasonal

busyiness is put on you, um, this is it kind of changes things around because I think that this is the thing that leads to burnout uh a lot a lot quicker when you're doing it for yourself. Pardon me. When you're doing it for yourself and it's like internally motivated, then then at least like it's for you, right? You can see like, hey, I'm doing this. I know it's hard. And I know it's a lot of effort and time, but like I am doing it for me. But when someone kind of puts it on you and they're like, "Hey, you have this project. You need to work harder and longer hours and and all this." You're like, "Okay, well, and then and then what? Like what do what am I getting out of it?" It's like you're just getting more burnt out. So, um, if you're in a situation like this though, and this isn't uncommon, right?

This is probably one of the more common things that happens where you're at a place and there's a release deadline, right? And now you and whoever else, you're kind of on this tight schedule, the pressure is mounting. Um, and unfortunately it seems like, and this is not the case for all places, but it seems like, oh, there's there's a finish line, don't worry. And then it's like as soon as you get that delivery done, it's like, oh, by the way, here's the next thing that's going to stress you out and, you know, be all this pressure on you. Um, I would say if you're in a situation like this when it comes to to work life balance and setting boundaries, like I think I think it does come down to setting boundaries. And if you're concerned about this hindering your career, the framing that I would rather put in front of you is like um, and and it might not be obvious, right?

But this is my take on it. What's going to hurt your career more is saying yes to all these things and having no boundaries and then being burnt the hell out and then not being able to effectively deliver on things. but you said yes. Or do you come up with a strategy for setting more clear boundaries about your ability to participate and deliver on things and then and then you nail those because I personally think that it's the latter because you're at least having clear communication, right? If uh you know I'm trying to think of an example of cuz as I'm leading engineering teams if I had uh a big delivery coming up and I was like hey folks like we got to do a final push here for this deliverable. I know everyone's been working hard but like we're almost there. We just got to close these things out.

If I had engineers on my team that are like look like I I can't put any more time into this family whatever. Um, I mean for me at least I would be having conversations with them to say like great like thanks for letting me know because at the end of the day like I I'm not forcing anyone to work more but at the end of the day it is my responsibility to get things delivered. So I need to go explore other options. If I can't get that out of my engineers, it's not like a oh, you know, you're you're failing, you're not going to get promoted or you're a bad employee. No, like you're setting boundaries, right? Like I need to know what those are. There are going to be points in time where like and I this is part of my leadership style is I try to make sure that um relax is not quite the right word, but um lenient, I don't know.

Uh, I try to make sure that things are very balanced with people that they don't feel like they're overworked and then that way if there is a period where I do need more out of people, they're not like this is what Nick does all the time, right? Like every week it's something where it's more more. No, if I need more, it's because it's an exceptional case. And I find for me the strategy works more effectively. Obviously, I'm not everyone's manager. Everyone's going to be different, but um I would rather people tell me straight up I cannot commit to that because of work life balance situations. I people with with kids they have to take them to appointments or they have to get them from school or they have to be present at home. Good. Like tell me those things, right?

like then that way we can separate your um you know sort of uh the parts that you're responsible for like I have a clear understanding of that and then because I still have to figure out how to get stuff done then I can pull in other people or have other conversations whatever whatever it needs to be um because I don't want people to feel like oh well I guess I better neglect my child or something for the weeks so I can get this stuff done so my career doesn't fall apart. Um, so for me it would be much more about having open honest conversations and uh I don't I never look at that kind of stuff like a a negative impact to your career kind of thing. Um, but like I said like I'm not I'm not everyone's manager. Your manager might be different.

um which would I mean be kind of unfortunate but so we're going to switch lanes but I do think personally that uh it for some people it might feel like it's a careerlimiting thing to say like you don't have availability um but like I just would encourage you to ask yourself the question like what's more career limiting trying to make yourself more available than you actually are and then falling apart or being honest about it. I do think there's something to be said about like and this is not specifically for work just in general like can we can we challenge ourselves? Can we can we stretch a little bit more and see but not at the cost of like of things falling apart, right? Um, it's kind of like the same thing at the gym for me. It's like, hey, like I know this is what I can do, but can I try a little bit more?

Can I go uh can I up the pace a little bit? Can I lift more weight? Can I do an extra rep? Like, yes, it's good to challenge yourself periodically, but periodically, not not constantly overdo it. You don't go into the gym every day and try to beat your one rep max. If you're a gym person, you know this. Uh you'll find that if you try to do this kind of thing, you'll have a very brief period where you're like, "Hey, I seem to be getting stronger and then all of a sudden it starts going the opposite way and your one rep max actually starts going down." So you don't just go into the gym and constantly try and beat your one rep max. It's the same thing with like with like like stretching yourself, right? So if you're trying to do more for work, you can't just keep saying more, more, more all the time.

You have to come back to this point of balance. And what you might be able to do is adjust your capacity over time or you can deal better with heavier workloads or more stressful times because you've been through those experiences more. You know how to manage your your stress, your time better, all these things. But if you're constantly under stress and that's just life, I would say that's probably not a good spot to be in. Right? So, u meta points here I would say are um I think work life balance is critical. I think that you know totally recognize what this person was saying about being at a startup. I think they said a startup. I can't remember. I'm not reading the post right now. you know, basically putting all their time into work because they love doing it. Can totally resonate with that.

Um, and then yeah, like I know I and I want to acknowledge that I think it's pretty common for people to have this fear of like if I'm trying to like balance work and life, is that not going to hold me back? And I would say I think it only holds you back if you're not uh if you're not willing to have like busy seasons where they're needed. So whether that's skilling up, whether that's working on a a bigger project, whether that's practicing for interviews so you can do your you know your role change to get a better role. Um some things will require busy seasons. And if all that you do is avoid those because that's taking you away from equilibrium like this balance state, then I would say it's probably going to be limiting. Not that it's impossible, not that you can't, you know, continue to grow and, you know, have a good work life balance.

I'm not saying that. But it might not happen at the rate that you want. And maybe that's the sort of the discrepancy. It's also not a guarantee, right? You might go through a busy season to work on a project. Um, and in fact, it's not like the thing that helps move the needle. And I'll give you a very good example for myself. I took on this this big project that I'm on right now. Um, which is like arguably one of the biggest uh, yeah, I would say in terms of like scope of impact, one of the biggest projects that I've been put on in my career and um, based on the nature of the work um, this it will actually not help me for promotion. which is uh hilariously ironic and awkward. Um but that's just the reality of it. I got to get ahead of this truck.

Um but it's the type of work. So for me, I need to be able to demonstrate uh other characteristics and show those more consistently. and this is a really big project that is completely burning me out, but it actually will not move the needle in terms of promotion and stuff. It doesn't mean it's not helping me learn different things, uh, not valuable lessons and stuff like that. Absolutely is. Um, but like I think people also need to like consider these things, right? like the workload you're taking on and and uh what you're and how it's going to help you progress in your career. So unfortunately for me in this current situation, when I'm on a project like this that's months long and I'm burnt out and I don't have capacity for anything else, it it actually means that I cannot focus on the other aspects of my career um that need attention for me to be promoted from uh sort of leadership's perspective.

Right? So all of my time and energy is on this critical project. It's just not a critical project from the perspective of my promotion. Um what is going on here? So do keep these kinds of things in mind, right? Like when you're considering your work life balance like for me this project was something where uh I understand the impact of it. I understand the scope of it. I think that I am capable of it. So these are all good things. But I also was making an assumption that this is the type of thing that uh would be I don't like saying a guarantee for promotion. I never think projects should be a guarantee for promotion, but like very good evidence for it, but that's uh actually not the case. So yeah, kind of puts me in a weird spot because I I have to kind of do everything to the max while being burnt out and then acknowledge none of this actually helps me with a promotion.

So anyway, work life balance. It's hard. It's achievable. Busy seasons. Hope that helps. Um, if you thought that was an interesting take and you want to share it back to the subreddit, um, the post itself was titled, because I'm not going to end up linking it, I don't think. Uh, how do you set boundaries with work without hurting your career? So, thanks for watching and I'll see you next time. Take care.