Why People Don't Understand You

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Hey folks, I'm just in the office here. I got to try to do two quicker ones. Um sort of some random thoughts and I'll just cut them both kind of short because do them both on this drive. Um, one, this first topic is going to be on um, I don't know, just like it's not like specific for social media, but interactions um, I guess primarily come up on social media, but I think this kind of thing can come up at at work as well or um, just like how you're communicating with people. So, I wanted to use an example recently where uh, this is actually on stream the other day. uh someone had joined the stream and and asked a question. Um but they they basically there's a couple parts I want to talk about here. So they asked a question in a way that was like first of all completely inappropriate.

Um and like I don't know if I if I had such inside thoughts if I did I would not post them on the internet. Um cuz I feel like that would be immediate regret once you like realize that like you did just have such a thought. So uh one was just like this person coming into the stream and asking a question that was like pretty pretty offputting. But the other thing about this that I think is maybe more um generally applicable is like the question itself was like uh it's almost kind of loaded, right? So asking a question in a way that is like I don't I don't really actually care what you have to say about this. Um it's just to like I don't know get get a reaction almost, right? Like let me get you to respond to this. Let me get um get attention basically.

And I think that sometimes people um the part that's maybe more applicable for the workplace I think is that I think sometimes people do this without realizing it because it is not um maybe it is their in uh their intention and like that's not good. But I I also think that sometimes people communicate things in a way where the impact is this. So, this one was pretty pretty overt. So, someone was asking something that I think was a uh is a it was a pretty racist kind of thing to say. Um and tying it into like something that was in software engineering. And so, like this is just a very clear example of like they don't actually care what I have to say about this. They're not asking a curious question. They don't care about my opinion. and uh seemingly like they don't care about, you know, uh affecting others in a negative way either.

So they don't they don't care. They're there to you know cause to get attention basically, right? That's really what it comes down to. Um and I think that sometimes people ask questions uh or they're communicating say in the workplace and what you're doing is asking a curious question. And I I'm not saying this is always the, you know, from like an English as a as a second language kind of thing. Um, it could just be even like that it's written uh, right? Or like it's on a code review comment or something like that. Uh, but all these I've made videos about this before, like different levels of communication barriers that can stack on top of each other to the point where your intent is not the same as the impact that is had from the person or people receiving it. So, you could be asking a curious question and how it comes across is like you're not actually curious.

You're not trying to understand. You're basically um trying to suggest the the response that you want out of me. I have to switch lanes here. One second. This price is being an idiot. There we go. Um and so like the the thing a couple things I want to talk about regarding this are like one like some kind of awareness, right? Um what is this person doing? I've had like a crazy day of driving. This person's going 30 m an hour weaving on the ramp. I'll tell you what we're not doing is that um so I think like I said the first part's awareness of this because I don't think some people realize as funny as this sounds that how they communicate like you don't get to pick the impact that your words have like that is the the felt sense once the words land. You can pick your intent absolutely but you cannot pick the impact.

And I think that understanding this and having some awareness of this means that you can try to um adjust communication styles. Right? If you don't have awareness of this, you go into situations communicating things being like this is my intent. This is my intent and like thus everyone must have the same sort of response to this. And it can almost feel like frustrating when people don't right. I've been in situations where it's like the communication is around urgency and importance like this is important, this is urgent, we need to, you know, we need to expedite, we need to pay closer attention. like all these things that are like I think the intent is very much there but the impact in in some of these situations I'll use this like urgency one as an example is like you might have people that very much understand something

is urgent and they might actually be in some whatever some type of mental state or burnout state or whatever where they're going you know this person's saying urgency like what the heck do they think I'm doing here and so they're not hearing more urgency. They're hearing like or the impact story is like really around like they're just getting frustrated, right? They're disengaged. They're frustrated. And so like recommunicating urgency in in like a scenario like this actually is not helpful. It's actually counter to what you want to have happen. Instead of getting people engaged and rallied around something which is your intent, the impact is quite literally the opposite where you have people that are like, you know, like f this. Why? Like I got nothing more to give here and like and I'm not valued and I don't want to do this anymore and like rather do anything else.

It's the complete opposite impact. Okay? And so I've seen this type of thing happen in an example like I just gave. I've seen it happen where people are asking questions and they are genuinely curious. Right? The intent I would like to understand this because if I understand it better then I can help you better. Right? So take something like a code review comment where someone is like why did you do it this way? I'm using a slightly exaggerated maybe example. I could exaggerate it more depending on how I say it. Right? If I said, "Hey, like why did you do it this way?" That might sound more curious. By the way, you might think this is completely ridiculous, but hear me out. Um, you know, hey, why did you why did you do it this way? Versus like, "Why'd you do it this way?" Literally the same words.

I might have put on the beginning of one of them, but like the same words, but the intent is different. So, people reading that cannot hear the difference. you got the benefit of hearing and seeing me do it. People don't have that when it's written and it's up to them to interpret that. They feel the impact, right? Um so like someone receiving communication doesn't get to pick the intent, right? They they can't pick the intent. They have to assign the intent, but they have the impact. And conversely, like I was saying earlier, um you don't if you're the communicator, you don't get to do you make a decision about the impact that's felt. You get to pick your intent. I'm behind yet another driver. This person is going in the fast lane 10 mph under the speed limit. I'm not having a good day with drivers.

It's the third time I'm I'm on the road today and it's just like not not a good time. Um so in an example like this right like so like what's your point Nick it's like I have seen people who are in situations like this and um say the receiver of this they don't understand the intent the impact that they're feeling is like wow this person's condescending every time we're in a situation like this they seem to be asking me questions or it seems like they're you know basically making me feel like an idiot. Like I got to explain myself to this person cuz I think I'm a dumbass. Like this is the worst. Like Billy sucks because every time he makes me feel like because he's always asking like why don't I do it this way? Like I don't know Billy, why don't you just tell me how I'm supposed to do it if you have such a strong opinion, right?

Whereas what might be happening is Billy's like, I just want to understand like you know where like where you started, how you got to here. Um, and because maybe they're just genuinely curious. They're like, "I haven't seen it done this way. This is cool. Maybe it's cool. I haven't seen this before, but there are some other patterns and maybe we want to adjust them." This guy knows what's up. Insanity, man. Just crazy. Okay. Um so again um how you how you tailor your communication I think makes a big difference right and uh not having awareness doesn't give you that ability to be able to do that reflection and tailor things. So, um, the reason, like the last part I'm going to say on this, the reason this kind of came up is because the person who asked this on stream, uh, who is not doing a great job, um, I I in I basically said on stream, I said, I'm going to give you one chance here.

I said, um, you know, I will not basically not ban you and you can hang around, but you got to stop doing that. And I said, I I understand you probably don't care and that's totally cool, but I'm just letting you know, right? So, they hung around and then later on they said, uh, they asked a question about, uh, Microsoft and layoffs. And so I'm like again this based on what they've done so far this person's like they're just trying to stir the pot trying to get attention. So continued on the stream and then they said one more thing which was like oh I guess like guess we're going to avoid that question then or something like that. So sort of my last opportunity here I said hey look like I'm just drawing I'm drawing attention to this as you wish right?

So, I said I'm not avoiding, you know, discussing something that's uh, you know, maybe going to be controversial for some people or whatever, but I said like I to me this is what it looks like you're trying to do. So, if you actually would like to hear my perspective, you'd actually like to have a conversation about this, then we can. I'm happy to share that perspective with you. But like, you know, basically it was just a different variation of like keep stirring the pot and like you're going to be ignored at this point, right? Like it's like what are you actually trying to accomplish? What is your intent? Because right now I'm telling you the intent that I'm getting from you is not positive. If the intent is curiosity and engaging discussion, totally cool. but your intent I can't read and the impact that it's having on me is such that I think that you're just trying to be an Um so just overtly communicating that and you know what that person hung around.

Uh they asked good follow-up questions. They had some some perspectives they wanted to share and overall I feel like somehow we salvaged that. I really don't know how but the internet's not such a bad place. I'm going to wrap up this video and jump into the next one. See you there.